Rufus Tony Spann is a nationally certified school psychologist and licensed professional counselor based in Washington, D.C.
Rufus Tony Spann, Ph.D., L.C.P.C., L.P.C. Mental Health / Holistic Health Updated: Nov 9, 2023, 9:58am Have a question we may not have answered?Ask our editors here
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Breaking up with a romantic partner can be painful, no matter the reason behind it. In fact, research suggests that the end of a relationship may be one of the most traumatic life events people experience. Yet it’s also one of the most common—70% of college students say they have experienced a breakup [1] Collins T, Gillath O. Attachment, breakup strategies, and associated outcomes: The effects of security enhancement on the selection of breakup strategies. Journal of Research in Personality. 2012;46(2):210-222. .
If you find yourself consumed with a variety of emotions following a breakup, you may be wondering how you can move on after your relationship ends. Below, therapists share their advice for grieving a relationship, and how to heal after a breakup.
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Professional Therapy, Done OnlineWhile we typically associate grief with mourning the loss of a loved one, research suggests individuals who go through a romantic breakup also experience symptoms of bereavement. These symptoms may affect them both physically and mentally, and include intrusive thoughts, insomnia, depression and—in rare cases—broken heart syndrome, also known as stress cardiomyopathy, a condition that may mimic signs of a heart attack, such as chest pain [2] Field T. Romantic Breakups, Heartbreak and Bereavement. Psychology. 2011;2(4):382-387. .
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross created the grief cycle model, which described the way in which her patients processed news of their own terminal illnesses. While the five stages of grief are based on case studies of dying individuals, the model has been widely used to understand the general process of grieving.
Following a breakup, people may move through similar grief stages, says Angela Amias, a licensed clinical social worker in Cheyenne, Wyoming. According to Kubler-Ross, the five stages of grief include:
“We might start out in disbelief and then move into denial or bargaining, which involves imagining that there’s something we can do to keep the relationship from ending,” says Amias. It’s natural to feel anger after a breakup, and even depressive symptoms, she notes. But Amias explains that grief isn’t linear, and people may experience these grief stages in their own way, potentially moving forward or backward throughout the process.
Unfortunately, there’s no formula for determining how long recovering from a breakup will take, says Alana Carvalho, a licensed mental health counselor in New York City. However, the degree to which a couple’s lives are intertwined during the relationship may shape how they experience a breakup, she says. An older study in The Journal of Positive Psychology found that couples who lived together and had plans to marry experienced a greater decline in life satisfaction following a breakup, compared to couples who were not in this situation [3] Rhoades GK, Kamp Dush CM, Atkins DC, Stanley SM, Markman HJ. Breaking up is hard to do: the impact of unmarried relationship dissolution on mental health and life satisfaction. J Fam Psychol. 2011;25(3):366-374. .
“It isn’t just that we are grieving the end of the relationship itself and the loss of a romantic partner in our lives. We’re also grieving the loss of the future we imagined with them,” says Amias.
A more recent study found that when individuals understood why a relationship ended, they experienced greater positive outcomes, such as increased relationship satisfaction and fewer instances of romantic conflict in subsequent relationships [4] Kansky J, Allen JP. Making Sense and Moving On: The Potential for Individual and Interpersonal Growth Following Emerging Adult Breakups. Emerg Adulthood. 2018;6(3):172-190. .
Researchers have employed a number of methods to help determine the length of recovery following a breakup. For example, one 2021 language-focused study examined over one million Reddit posts from more than 6,800 users of the platform, tracking language habits before and after a breakup. Citing changes in conversational patterns, such as the increased use of I-words, we-words, cognitive processing words, such as “realize” and “because,” and a decrease in analytical thinking, researchers found evidence of looming breakups three months before they occurred. Within the six months following, researchers noted these linguistic patterns had returned to baseline levels, suggesting users had completed their recovery process [5] Seraj S, Blackburn K, Pennebaker J. Language left behind on social media exposes the emotional and cognitive costs of a romantic breakup. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America. 2021;118(7). .
There’s no set time frame for getting over a breakup, says Amias. However, there are two factors that may play a role in how long it takes, she adds. “The more significant the relationship was to you, the longer it takes to get over. This is why breakups after short relationships can sometimes hit us really hard and take a long time to get over,” says Amias. “The other factor is whether we see the breakup coming and can begin to process the end of the relationship before it actually happens.”
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While many hope to move on from a breakup quickly, there’s no timeline for getting through it, reiterates Amias. What you can do, however, is utilize coping strategies that may help you weather your post-breakup emotions.
If you’re wondering what to do after a breakup, consider the following advice, according to research, Carvalho and Amias:
When it comes to supporting a friend or loved one through a breakup, the best course of action may be just to listen. While it may be tempting to offer advice or speak negatively about a loved one’s former partner, each of these can backfire, cautions Amias.
“Often our attempts to be helpful in these ways end up communicating to our friend that they should be getting over their breakup more quickly or [that] they shouldn’t be having such a hard time,” she says. “Providing a listening ear is often the most helpful thing you can do for a friend who’s going through a breakup.”
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Therapy can be beneficial for anyone after a relationship ends, as it offers a dedicated time to work through your emotions, says Amias. If you find yourself struggling to complete daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating and focusing at work, therapy is worth considering as it can help you work through areas of your healing process that you may be struggling with, she adds.
If you’re interested in therapy to help you cope after a breakup, mental health professionals may suggest the following methods to you:
You may also want to consider searching for a therapist who specializes in relationship issues or in the case of a married couple, divorce recovery, says Amias. These professionals will have specific experience guiding clients through this particular type of grief, she adds.
Ending a romantic relationship can mirror the grief of losing a loved one. But as Amias notes, with time, we move through the grieving process and eventually make our way to acceptance. “Hopefully, we’re able to appreciate aspects of the relationship even though it ended.”
